whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
