So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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