do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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