Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
