Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
