Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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