And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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