why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
