Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
