If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
