Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
