I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
