Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
