A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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