those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
