Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
