I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
