You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
