I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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