I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
