I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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