Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
