are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
