arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
