fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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