Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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