I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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