Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
