Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
