He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
