You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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