I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
