kristin has been a bad kristin
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
