I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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