Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
