THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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