I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
