its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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