I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
