That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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