Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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