Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
