false alarm. still invincible.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
