First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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