Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
