I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
