Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
