Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
