this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
