Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
