I wish I only lived at night.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
