Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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