dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
