dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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