if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
