I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
